Darkest hope

Sometimes I think I'll can't endure it... T_____________T

I feel so stupid and weak. And totally different to the rest of the world.
Sometimes I think the pain will make me become totally crazy.

I can't endure that and there aren't solution at all

And as much as I try to became stronger, it seems the pain become much and much worse and my heart more hurt.

Why had I born so stupid and weird??

I don't know what to do... My life now is chaos, a chaos wich hurt me too much everytime.

And there aren't nobody who can understand my pain.

Why all of that is happening?

Will I find the answer someday?....

I want to sleep and dream. I want to escape of this.

I can't endure it more

But I can't do nothing

And nobody can help me

Maybe my destiny is to suffer, but it's so hard to try to assimilate it...

Sometimes I think my pain will kill me

Please, God, give me new energy to can endure it, please, don't let me drown in my own tears

がんばって見てる。。。いつもがんばって見てる

きっとだめじゃないよね。。。でもたぶんそれを思いたいけど、だめだ。。。

ゆめ見たい。。。ずっとゆめ見たい

Different and weak heart

I don't know why am I here, if I have never belonger this world
Is my presence here really necesary?... Or it's just a sadic game?...
Anyway, my dearest treasures are here...

I am weak and stupid. I am foreigner in this world. And my freak fight will never end

T____________T

T_____________________________________________________________T

I don't need to say nothing.... I am tired, really tired...

New energy again ^^ (SORRY FOR LONG TEXT! :O)

I really have strange days this weeks o.oU
I usually can be so happy or so sad in a moment but... with much more logic and with much more control o.o
Usually, some details, stupid details can make me feel ultra happy, or depressed, but... this days I am too much sensible, and also more irascible.

I am fighting everytime with myself to be happy, but suddenly, a stupid detail can make me feel so depressed or so angry, or... Well, it's obvious something is still wrong in my mind.
Anyway, it's finally changing, I think ^o^
I think most of that are consecuences of things that happened in Agoust, whose consecuences I have suffered last two months, in different ways.
But I think I am finally wining ^o^
Anyway, I still have to fight a lot and being so careful, but now I feel my energy is totally different! :)
As diferent as I am inspirate with my own stories (fan fics, own fics, etc...) and I feel so much more creative in general, and it's a very very excellent sign in me! ^o^

Of course, I am also feeling I begin to have calm in my mind and motivation again :)
Although I still can't be sure everything it's ok at all, but I am doing my best! >.<
But I'll can meet my adorable Angel and another excellent and loved friend and I am ULTRA MEGA HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! *o*

HAHAHA!! :D

And I hope I will can get some pokémon stuff for my cyber sis!! o(^o^)o Poor her! She can't go, but I would be super happy if I can get some cute stuff for her!! :D

AAAH I am also begining to prepare my travel to Japan, and every friends is supporting me a lot! *o* My Japanese friends also are supporting me TOO MUCH!! o(^o^)o and they want to help me there!! ^^ Haha! So adorable!!

OOH Sorry for long text!! :O
I always write so much... haha!! ^^UU
You can imagine how much I talk in person!! XD
Although I am shy.
And I usually know how when I have to stay quiet
OK OK I STOOOOP WRITTING FINALLY!! HAHA :D

BYEBYEEEEEEE! ^o^

DANCING TIME!! *o*

Since around one month and three weeks, I began to know what the parapara and techpara is, and I became ultra fan of that!! *o*

I actually LOVE dancing totally!! But the truth is that I always have danced just doing what the music make me do. Well, I think it's good to, of course ^^ But I always have had a great problem to learn coreographies ^^UU Actually, when I began to do martial arts, some years before now, it was super super hard for me to learn to do right the movements, and my master and partners had lot of patience teaching me that ^^UU
Now, for me it's not as difficult as in the past, OF COURSE ^^U to do martial arts helps A LOT for that.
But it's still much more difficult for me than it would have be :O and parapara has movements totally different than I am getting used to do, so it make that become even much more difficult to learn right for me ^^U

I am learning some cool parapara coreographies *o* and since one month I feel I became muuuuuuuuuuch better :) and step by step, for me is easier and faster to learn this kind of strange movements! ^o^
Anyway, I still have a lot to learn and... I want to combine my usual way to dance, with parapara.
(Parapara lot of times has some really yeratic movements ^^U) But it's still dificult for me ^^U
I have to do my best!! がんばってるよーーーー！！おどるのが大好きから、きっともっともっとうまくなると思うよ！！ :D

I also like too much, tech para. I knew that thanks to a good friend! :) Although first I have to do better hust parapara to can begin with that right! ahahaha! :D でももうテクパラでがんばってるよ！ ^^U

When I was searching for new parapara videos in Japanese Youtube, I found that!! *o*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQCquBrZDhA&feature=related

OOOOH! I really love how this かわいい Japanese girl dance!! :D
She actually do what I want to do!! It seems as she mix her own way to dance, with parapara!
And she does it really amazing!! :D
She has a special, energic and powerful way to dance. AWESOOOME!! *o*
And she desprend lot of carism! ^o^

She is just amazing, better than most of profesional people of parapara!!

WOW! I hope I will can dance as good as her, in my own way!! :D

がんばってるーーーー！！ o(^o^)o

Catched

I don't have to much time to write a post now :O I am using my portable PC, The batery will end in not-long time, and I can't use my power point because it's been used by a table lamp (The bulb of my room has gone). The truth is that it's incredible that I can use my portable PC without being connected to power point :O (it doesn't work right, as it's obvious ^^UU)
I tried to don't use it today, but finally I had to use it because my sis is using the another PC, and I ned to much to write that.
This time, to listen to music wasn't enougth, to cry wasn't enought too... I need to throw it out me by other way.

The truth is that although the quarrel with my sister became super worse, and lot of bad things happened, finally it ended so right ^^ And my sister and me have good relationship again! And I am so happy because of that! :D
But....I would say lies if I say I am not crying every nights...Well, last week was horrible, so I understand it more, but... These days... Oh, I shouldn't be like that!! And I try to don't be like that, I always think it's just pain that I don't have to care of, and I try it a lot, but I can't evite that... it pursues me, and it makes me suffer too much, and I can't avoid it although I try... and as much as I try to avoid it, this pain grows so much in me.
So I have to choose other ways, but it's so difficult. This pain begins suddenly, super super deep and painful. As strong as it reminds me at all my horrible pain of the past.
I think it's because deep hurts of the past which still aren't closed, but... I didn't had this pain in this situations some months before... maybe a little, or maybe yes, but not in the same context, not like that.
I had really hard June, and although I had a really really WONDERFUL July, absolutely WONDERFUL, the Agoust was... HORRIBLE, just HORRIBLE, as horrible as it made me trauma or something like that, and I think I am feeling the consecuences of that, mixed with other situations.

I try to be right, and I get that, specially when I am talking with friends or something, and I can be fine and cheerful, and suddenly, being super sad and depressed, with a terrible pain inside me. It usually happens at night, when I am not talking with nobody, I feel the pain of loneliness. I feel so so so alone, as alone as it hurts too much. I live with my family, but my relationship with them is... is not too much good. They have never understood me and my soul, and actually they don't want, when I have pain, they usually get make me much more unhappy, and they make me cry lot of times. They make me feel as unuseful and as horrible, and they are always laughing me. Of course I love them, and I know they love me in their way, but obviously I feel too much alone at home. So when I am so sad, being at home only get to be sader. I don't like to say that, but I really need to go out, to live out here. But I know I can't live alone, because finally, it would be worse, because I would be really really alone anyway.

So these days, I feel so alone and a super deep and strong pain which make me cry a lot and who don't let me sleep, but... I shouldn't feel that!! When I think it finally stoped, it's back again some hours later. The truth is that I don't know when I'll be right, and when I'll be so sad, because it happens suddenly, and usually because of some detail, just some detail.
It's a very dark time for me. I don't know when I'll be better, but I'll fight a lot. I am doing my best.
I have people who love me, and I have to stay right for them.
Actually, I think this terrible pain is just the same as usually. Just the horrible fear to loose them.
I have lot of reasons to be so happy, and I am so happy lot of times.
But it's the pain of a open hurt and because of that maybe, the terrible fear to loose what I love, what is my world, that tortures me. Mixed with that my life now is a total chaos, total chaos that I understand and don't understand at the same time, and fear of the future too.

Sometimes I think maybe my hearts is being stronger, sometimes I think, maybe,the truth is that my heart is being weaker... My mind is also a chaos, my spirit... isn't compatible with the world, and sometimes it's really horrible painful too

I have to be stronger. This pain is so strong, and is making me suffer since long time... and these days it's trying to catch me a lot. I can't allow that. I have to be stronger and stronger.
My pain is not the most important... I have to fight for what is really important.
And I have to know how to fight without making my pain bating me stronger. I have to find the way to win it for true!

I really didn't want to have to write it the blog... but I didn't feel way to throw it out me a little. And to write it here, again made me feel a little free, so I ned to do it, I need to sleep today.
I am super sorry... I am super sorry... I'd prefer to can hide it in me, but I shouldn't. As much I do that, my pain grow too much and I finally exploit. For sure because of that I feel better when I write that. Always it's a relief to know I can talk about that, and that I am not alone. Although maybe this time nobody read that,and the truth is that it would be better.

Well, the batery of PC is almost ended :O
Oh I write so much!! ^^U
But I think I'll can sleep today :)
YEAH!!

Again, so much deep and strong pain

I hate being inspired to write on the blog usually when I am so sad X_X But I guess I need to do it specially when I am sad, because I feel it helps me to relax a little bit, maybe.

I always have though to write about my pains wouldn't help me to give vent out that, but I found out that yes, When I began to write this kind of things in this blog :O

These last days I am really super super sad, I feel super deep and strong sadness, and I don't know the reason exactly. I think I haven't right to be sad, but I can't evite that. I tryed to evite that, and I only got stronger and deeper sadness, as almost always I try to evite this. The truth is that some days before, I was so happy, but suddenly...

The day before yesterday, I couldn't sleep just because of the big pain and tears. I felt I was really really bad, but there weren't nothing I could do. Yesterday, I decided to try to evite it again, but I was so alone almost all the day, and it was very bad for me, specially in that situation.
As almost always when I am so so sad, my family helps me to be sooo much sader, and I have the worst quarrel with my sister in years, I think.
It was horrible, her behaivour to me was really really terrible. Well, she usually has a horrible and illogical behaivour to me, but yesterday it was even worse. She usually is very egoist, unkind, she shouts me too much, etc etc... but yesterday, she was really really CRUEL with me, the truth is that she reminded me a lot, the horrible people who usually beat me at my school in the past. She seemed to be this kind of arrogant, inmature, egoist, and cruel people, who are terrible with each others to feel stronger.
I usually expect from my sister egoist behaivour, shouts, humillation... but it was different, much worse, as bad as I shocked. The "funny" thing is that I tried to speak with calmness and being polite, and she was shouting me, treating me so horrible, everytime, and I told her that I weren't shouting her, and I weren't treating her bad, and she began to shout much more, saying thing like "I SHOUT YOU AS I WANT! FUCK YOU!" and all in this way... everything with a totally arrogant, unkind, shouting, with lot of contempt and rager mixed with being sardonic.

When the situation became TOTALLY unbearable, I decided to stop it because I think I shouldn't deserve that, so I went out the living room, saying that I don't talk with people who are shouting me, being unkind with me, and treating me bad, without reason, and at the same time I was saying that and goin out the room, she continued shouting, being sardonic and cruel, etc... and the last words from me to her and from her to me, were just really strong insults...
And that is not my character, I am sad for that, but my family gets to take out the worst of me.
I usually try a lot to don't fall in the same "game" as them, but I am living with them, and they throw to me their frustration since looooong time before, and they are so cruel with me several times, so finally, it's very difficult for me to get to be always in calm here.

After that, I went to my room, and I wanted to cry SO SO MUCH, but I got to control it.
But at the night, I was much sader, because I felt too much alone, and I couldn't control it more, I began to cry too much. Long time since I didn't cry as intense as that. It reminds me a lot, when I was a teenager, nobody loved me, I only recieved cruel behaivour and I felt too much empty, and unhappy. But I felt I didn't have right to feel like that now. So I didn't understand exactly why I felt like that, but the dark feels were toooooo much deep and stronger. The pain was really unbearable, and only could sleep a little, after being some HOURS crying... I think because of the exhaustion of crying too much.

I know I am not alone at all, but yesterday, the truth is that I hadn't nobody with me in that terrible time, and I wished it too much. The only people who I had around me were my family, and they don't care of it, so...

I think I still have lot of pain, fears, hurts, etc... from my past, and not so far past... and these explode on me sometimes, when my spirit is so much disturbed. I am hyper sensitive too, and it makes me that just one detail can make me feel too much happy, or too much sad, and if just some detail can make me feel bad, lot of bad situations, horrible behaivour with me, long time without comunication, etc, and of course, old and too much deep hurts, make my spirit and mind being super satured of very deep and strong pain.

I don't know how exactly I can do, but I know one of the things is of course, live out my house. I hate to want to live out my home, but the truth and evidence is that I am so unhappy here, since lot of years before, and also that to live with my family is not good for me at all.
About the rest... I have to be much stronger, I think...

I'll try to write a happier post next time, sorry.

Pain and fear

Well, I don't know why very well, but... since somedays I feel sad. I tried to ignore it, and I tried to be as better as possible, but yesterday the pain was stronger, and although I tried to ignore it, finally I was crying.
When I woke up this morning, I though I was better, but the truth is that I still feel a very big pain, and although I am at work now, a few minutes before I was on the point of cry again.

The pain is in my soul, and I feel this pain like a very deep and strong wound wich is hidden in my heart, and that suddenly wanted to go out. Maybe to try to hide and to ignore that makes this wound go out much stronger... But the truth is that at first I didn't find a specific reason of that, and I didn't want to be sad at all, because what I want is make happy each others with my own happiness energy, so... Well, I know perfectly it's very bad to hide sadness etc, and I don't allow my friends to do that. But I have a different behaivour with myself, I know it's not so much objective, but I don't want my friends to be worried, actually, sometimes I feel I am making them be worried so much. I am too much sensitive, I am too much different, I have been too much hurt,and now I am living a strange time of changes, some of them very good, but other of them, bad and confused, so I am sometimes very hurt, and I don't want to carry my friends to this sadness.

Maybe I can guess a little why this pain. I feel I am loosing a very closed friend... This friend changed his behaivour to me too much. I feel since lot of weeks, maybe more than two months that he is not the same person with me. And he is showing me that more and more... Although I spoke him about that... But it's the same how much I speak him about problems, it's always the same, and it's becoming worse... He loves to do just what they want always, and he has showed me too much times he is too much coward to faced situations. He is angry lot of times for things wich hasn't sense, and then he tries to avoid all. He really wants sometimes to be with me and to help, but then, when I really need help, he is not there. Last weeks I feel he is so far, I feel he doesn't care of me, and I feel he is avoiding me again and again. I feel I loose him more and more. I trusted him a lot in the past, and I tried always to trust him a lot although sometimes he said and did things that could make me stop to trust him. Now, I don't trust him at all... he has showed too much that I can't trust him, and actually, he has never trust me and he always said that.
I tried to trust him a lot because I felt I should trust.
Anyway, I am still trying to keep him, but...

And this situation, also made me being super super super super super super super afraid of loose other friends.

I can't endure imagine it

I love them SO MUCH, and I feel too much love for some of them, I think the fear of that hurt me too much and makes me feel a terible wound.
I wanna shout. I wanna shout and try to throw out this pain.

Maybe because of that I feel alone too, sometimes of today and yesterday...
But I am not alone.
In the past, I was alone, but now not.

And I don't forget it ^^

I have people who always care of me, and I have to give special gratitude to my angel because of that. Actually, there aren't words to express it.

I still don't know if I'll tell it to somebody... (I think only one friend read my blog ^^UU)
Maybe I should... oh, anyway, I think to write it here, made me feel a little bit better.
I hope I will get to be fine soon ^^

I have to be happy!

I am baaaack! :)

Hiiiii! ^o^ (Sometimes I don't know if I am really talking or saying hi to someone, because I don't know if there are people who read my blog but... I like to think so XDD)

I am back from my holidays! ^o^ Well, the truth is that I arrived two weeks before now, but... ^^U I was so busy to write here. Or maybe I had better things to do ^^UU
(I should be more responsible with my blog ^^U I know. For me it's not easy to have a blog, as I said ^^UUUUU)

Well, The journey was terrible, I mean, I had lot of problems in the airports and I had a horrible time going by plane (I go by plane a lot but... I don't like ^^ I have fear)
But the time I was in the south of Spain was... TOO MUUUUUUCH WONDERFUL! I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT!! *o*

First I was with my angel, although short time... T_T But It's WONDERFUL that I finally could meet my angel face to face!! *o* And it was ABSOLUTELY AWESOOOOME! I'll never forget that!! T_T Oooh, I miss my angel TOO MUCH

and then, I went to my cyber sis house, and it was ABSOLUTELY GREAT TOO! o(^o^)o
We had a super super super great time! Hahaha! ^^ And we recorded too much crazy videos XDD I didn't want to be back at home again! T_T

Ooooh, I think it was the best journey of my life!! ^^ Haha!

BUT I MISS THEM TOO MUCH!! T_T

I finally could eat lot of Japanese food :) AND I CAN SAY I LOVE THAT!! XD (Thing that I already guess, but I couldn't say for sure because before this journey I only had eatten Ramen and Pockys XDD But now I can say for sure I LOVE Japanese food! *o*

Various people said to me "Japanese food is... weird and horrible :S" And I knew I would like that! ^o^ Well, it's very different (although it's much more similar to Spanish food than people think) but I LOVE THAT!! *o* Maybe because I am weird too? Hahaha! XD Noooo, it's delicious anyway! But maybe some tastes are difficult to assimilate for some people ^^
Anyway SUPER DELICIOUS! *o*

To be back here was hard T_T some old problems appeared again, etc... but I could meet and speak again with friends I couldn't speak when I was traveling and I missed them too much so I was super super happy for that too! ^o^

WAAAA! It's not fair! T_T My cyber sis won't can go to Manga's event of Barcelona this year, so we can't meet... T___T Although maybe she will visit me when I am in Japan for around two weeks! Oh, it would be super great! *o* I hope so!!
Aaaand my angel will go to Manga's eveeeent!! ^o^ YEAAAH! I will can meet my angel agaaaaain!! >.< GREAAAAT! *o* to tell the truth, it's my biggest motivation to go there this year! o(^o^)o

Oooh, this post is too long, I think... XD
Soooo I will stop it here!! o(^o^)o

WONDERFUL HOLIDAYS!! ^^
I am working again... XDDD haha! But I am saving money to go to Japaaaan! ^o^

See yoooou dear!! ^o^ (who read that XD)

:)

Behaivour and relationships ^^U

Long time since I don't write a post ^^UU

Well, last weeks I were so sad, so I didn't want to write more sad post. I have this blog since shot time, and my second post was very sad. I don't want to have my blog full of sad post ^^U

This week is better :) In monday I met MSN friends in my city, and their friends, ho was Visual Kei fans!
WOW!I didn't know there are Visual Kei fans in my zone!! It's great! *o*
I enjoyed a lot with my MSN friend! Although the others didn't talk to me at first... then, My friendhad to go, and I went with them alone, and at first it was a disaster... but I tried to talk with them and finally it was great too :)

They are much more younger than me and I felt it a lot, specially with my friends' friend. Although I have very good much more younger friends, they are also so special people. With my friends' friend I felt a little as when I was a young teenager and I was in company of my classmattes who I felt as very very children and I didn't understand them.
I felt the same this time, but I decided to don't care a lot of this feel, and I tried a lot to have nice time with them, and it was great ^^

I think that being open minded and trying to understand behaivours, feels, and have interest for things around us, makes so so easy to can have good time and good relationship with people of many different ages ^^U

In the past, the few people who I began to have nice relationship, always was much more younger than me, or much more older than me ^^U (there were only one or two exceptions) And it was too much difficult for me to have nice relationship with people around my age, and teenagers.
Now, I have great relationship with people of many many many ages ^^ Much more younger, much more older, my age, around my age, a little bit older, a little bit younger...
It's possible to understand, to learn, to enjoy, to feel happy... with any age of people.
Of course sometimes it's so difficult, but because the real important thing is how are your character, and how are the character of each others.

Now, I am bored at work (obviously bored XDD) But I have to go now at home.
WOW This days I have a loooot of things to do! T_T
But I take time to go out with my frieeeeends! Haha!! GREAAAT! *o* This days it's always busy, friend, busy, friends, busy, friends... Oook it's true, I have time for me too!! XD

Byebye peooople! (if someone read it XDD)

Tears

Mmm, maybe it's not a very good idea to write post with the mood down, but... Why not?
I am trying to have and keep a blog, so I have to write happy post and also not so happy post, or sad post, as in the rest of blogs.

These days, I am really under STRESS >.<
I am sooo tired of lot of behaivor of people. I am so tired of enduring stupid and illogical behaivor of people, and of feeling as I am always guilty.
I am so tired of enduring people who makes me feel so bad without reason and without caring of it, and then, those people feel hurt by me, with no reason at all.

I am tired of egoism of people. People love themself too much, and they forget how to love each others.
When it seems as I am begining to be better, suddenly someone more hurts me a lot again, and always like that.
I don't understand how can humans get worried for total stupid things, and don't care at all about important things.
I can't understand how people can be so insensitive, cruel, and stingy.
I will never understand humans, and I think I prefer to don't understand...

In the past, I was always wishing about nice words of something to me, lovelly words.
Because It was unknown for me.
But since few years before, I have a LOT of those nice words... For me this words don't have sense at all if this words aren't accompanied of acts. (and of course, real feels)
I think in the past I didn't imagine that words that seems to be so deep and strong, could be lies, or that people could have so unstable feels

For me the most beautiful words are just nothing, only can be something if this words are accompanied of deep feels and acts whose strong I can feel as real and deep.

Why am I so stupid that I become to love people too much, who they really don't care of me??
And why so fast and deep?
Well, I really like to be like that, but... in this world it's just a torture.
I don't have to change myself, I don't want it at all, and I can't do it too.
I have to carry on... carry on... carry on...
Please, someone... understand my tears.

My first post! o(^o^)o

Finally, I decided to write my first post in my blog :)
Well... the truth is that today there isn't something interesting to tell ^^U
Here it's the morning, it's just 11:40, and I have woke up now XDD
I slept so bad and I feel sleepy and tired :S I had lot of energy yesterday, and I couldn't sleep right at all. I don't know what am I doing using the PC now, because I should be writting letters just now XD
Ah! I am sorry because of my English mistakes ^^U I am Spanish, so I think I have some mistakes in my English, sorry! :)
By the way, maybe I should write my post in Spanish too, hahaha! XD What do you think? ^^

Well, if someone read it... "HELLOOO WELCOME TO MY BLOG!! o(^o^)o よんでありがとうーーーーー！！！" :)