Again, so much deep and strong pain

I hate being inspired to write on the blog usually when I am so sad X_X But I guess I need to do it specially when I am sad, because I feel it helps me to relax a little bit, maybe.

I always have though to write about my pains wouldn't help me to give vent out that, but I found out that yes, When I began to write this kind of things in this blog :O

These last days I am really super super sad, I feel super deep and strong sadness, and I don't know the reason exactly. I think I haven't right to be sad, but I can't evite that. I tryed to evite that, and I only got stronger and deeper sadness, as almost always I try to evite this. The truth is that some days before, I was so happy, but suddenly...

The day before yesterday, I couldn't sleep just because of the big pain and tears. I felt I was really really bad, but there weren't nothing I could do. Yesterday, I decided to try to evite it again, but I was so alone almost all the day, and it was very bad for me, specially in that situation.
As almost always when I am so so sad, my family helps me to be sooo much sader, and I have the worst quarrel with my sister in years, I think.
It was horrible, her behaivour to me was really really terrible. Well, she usually has a horrible and illogical behaivour to me, but yesterday it was even worse. She usually is very egoist, unkind, she shouts me too much, etc etc... but yesterday, she was really really CRUEL with me, the truth is that she reminded me a lot, the horrible people who usually beat me at my school in the past. She seemed to be this kind of arrogant, inmature, egoist, and cruel people, who are terrible with each others to feel stronger.
I usually expect from my sister egoist behaivour, shouts, humillation... but it was different, much worse, as bad as I shocked. The "funny" thing is that I tried to speak with calmness and being polite, and she was shouting me, treating me so horrible, everytime, and I told her that I weren't shouting her, and I weren't treating her bad, and she began to shout much more, saying thing like "I SHOUT YOU AS I WANT! FUCK YOU!" and all in this way... everything with a totally arrogant, unkind, shouting, with lot of contempt and rager mixed with being sardonic.

When the situation became TOTALLY unbearable, I decided to stop it because I think I shouldn't deserve that, so I went out the living room, saying that I don't talk with people who are shouting me, being unkind with me, and treating me bad, without reason, and at the same time I was saying that and goin out the room, she continued shouting, being sardonic and cruel, etc... and the last words from me to her and from her to me, were just really strong insults...
And that is not my character, I am sad for that, but my family gets to take out the worst of me.
I usually try a lot to don't fall in the same "game" as them, but I am living with them, and they throw to me their frustration since looooong time before, and they are so cruel with me several times, so finally, it's very difficult for me to get to be always in calm here.

After that, I went to my room, and I wanted to cry SO SO MUCH, but I got to control it.
But at the night, I was much sader, because I felt too much alone, and I couldn't control it more, I began to cry too much. Long time since I didn't cry as intense as that. It reminds me a lot, when I was a teenager, nobody loved me, I only recieved cruel behaivour and I felt too much empty, and unhappy. But I felt I didn't have right to feel like that now. So I didn't understand exactly why I felt like that, but the dark feels were toooooo much deep and stronger. The pain was really unbearable, and only could sleep a little, after being some HOURS crying... I think because of the exhaustion of crying too much.

I know I am not alone at all, but yesterday, the truth is that I hadn't nobody with me in that terrible time, and I wished it too much. The only people who I had around me were my family, and they don't care of it, so...

I think I still have lot of pain, fears, hurts, etc... from my past, and not so far past... and these explode on me sometimes, when my spirit is so much disturbed. I am hyper sensitive too, and it makes me that just one detail can make me feel too much happy, or too much sad, and if just some detail can make me feel bad, lot of bad situations, horrible behaivour with me, long time without comunication, etc, and of course, old and too much deep hurts, make my spirit and mind being super satured of very deep and strong pain.

I don't know how exactly I can do, but I know one of the things is of course, live out my house. I hate to want to live out my home, but the truth and evidence is that I am so unhappy here, since lot of years before, and also that to live with my family is not good for me at all.
About the rest... I have to be much stronger, I think...

I'll try to write a happier post next time, sorry.