Pain and fear

Well, I don't know why very well, but... since somedays I feel sad. I tried to ignore it, and I tried to be as better as possible, but yesterday the pain was stronger, and although I tried to ignore it, finally I was crying.
When I woke up this morning, I though I was better, but the truth is that I still feel a very big pain, and although I am at work now, a few minutes before I was on the point of cry again.

The pain is in my soul, and I feel this pain like a very deep and strong wound wich is hidden in my heart, and that suddenly wanted to go out. Maybe to try to hide and to ignore that makes this wound go out much stronger... But the truth is that at first I didn't find a specific reason of that, and I didn't want to be sad at all, because what I want is make happy each others with my own happiness energy, so... Well, I know perfectly it's very bad to hide sadness etc, and I don't allow my friends to do that. But I have a different behaivour with myself, I know it's not so much objective, but I don't want my friends to be worried, actually, sometimes I feel I am making them be worried so much. I am too much sensitive, I am too much different, I have been too much hurt,and now I am living a strange time of changes, some of them very good, but other of them, bad and confused, so I am sometimes very hurt, and I don't want to carry my friends to this sadness.

Maybe I can guess a little why this pain. I feel I am loosing a very closed friend... This friend changed his behaivour to me too much. I feel since lot of weeks, maybe more than two months that he is not the same person with me. And he is showing me that more and more... Although I spoke him about that... But it's the same how much I speak him about problems, it's always the same, and it's becoming worse... He loves to do just what they want always, and he has showed me too much times he is too much coward to faced situations. He is angry lot of times for things wich hasn't sense, and then he tries to avoid all. He really wants sometimes to be with me and to help, but then, when I really need help, he is not there. Last weeks I feel he is so far, I feel he doesn't care of me, and I feel he is avoiding me again and again. I feel I loose him more and more. I trusted him a lot in the past, and I tried always to trust him a lot although sometimes he said and did things that could make me stop to trust him. Now, I don't trust him at all... he has showed too much that I can't trust him, and actually, he has never trust me and he always said that.
I tried to trust him a lot because I felt I should trust.
Anyway, I am still trying to keep him, but...

And this situation, also made me being super super super super super super super afraid of loose other friends.

I can't endure imagine it

I love them SO MUCH, and I feel too much love for some of them, I think the fear of that hurt me too much and makes me feel a terible wound.
I wanna shout. I wanna shout and try to throw out this pain.

Maybe because of that I feel alone too, sometimes of today and yesterday...
But I am not alone.
In the past, I was alone, but now not.

And I don't forget it ^^

I have people who always care of me, and I have to give special gratitude to my angel because of that. Actually, there aren't words to express it.

I still don't know if I'll tell it to somebody... (I think only one friend read my blog ^^UU)
Maybe I should... oh, anyway, I think to write it here, made me feel a little bit better.
I hope I will get to be fine soon ^^

I have to be happy!