Catched

I don't have to much time to write a post now :O I am using my portable PC, The batery will end in not-long time, and I can't use my power point because it's been used by a table lamp (The bulb of my room has gone). The truth is that it's incredible that I can use my portable PC without being connected to power point :O (it doesn't work right, as it's obvious ^^UU)
I tried to don't use it today, but finally I had to use it because my sis is using the another PC, and I ned to much to write that.
This time, to listen to music wasn't enougth, to cry wasn't enought too... I need to throw it out me by other way.

The truth is that although the quarrel with my sister became super worse, and lot of bad things happened, finally it ended so right ^^ And my sister and me have good relationship again! And I am so happy because of that! :D
But....I would say lies if I say I am not crying every nights...Well, last week was horrible, so I understand it more, but... These days... Oh, I shouldn't be like that!! And I try to don't be like that, I always think it's just pain that I don't have to care of, and I try it a lot, but I can't evite that... it pursues me, and it makes me suffer too much, and I can't avoid it although I try... and as much as I try to avoid it, this pain grows so much in me.
So I have to choose other ways, but it's so difficult. This pain begins suddenly, super super deep and painful. As strong as it reminds me at all my horrible pain of the past.
I think it's because deep hurts of the past which still aren't closed, but... I didn't had this pain in this situations some months before... maybe a little, or maybe yes, but not in the same context, not like that.
I had really hard June, and although I had a really really WONDERFUL July, absolutely WONDERFUL, the Agoust was... HORRIBLE, just HORRIBLE, as horrible as it made me trauma or something like that, and I think I am feeling the consecuences of that, mixed with other situations.

I try to be right, and I get that, specially when I am talking with friends or something, and I can be fine and cheerful, and suddenly, being super sad and depressed, with a terrible pain inside me. It usually happens at night, when I am not talking with nobody, I feel the pain of loneliness. I feel so so so alone, as alone as it hurts too much. I live with my family, but my relationship with them is... is not too much good. They have never understood me and my soul, and actually they don't want, when I have pain, they usually get make me much more unhappy, and they make me cry lot of times. They make me feel as unuseful and as horrible, and they are always laughing me. Of course I love them, and I know they love me in their way, but obviously I feel too much alone at home. So when I am so sad, being at home only get to be sader. I don't like to say that, but I really need to go out, to live out here. But I know I can't live alone, because finally, it would be worse, because I would be really really alone anyway.

So these days, I feel so alone and a super deep and strong pain which make me cry a lot and who don't let me sleep, but... I shouldn't feel that!! When I think it finally stoped, it's back again some hours later. The truth is that I don't know when I'll be right, and when I'll be so sad, because it happens suddenly, and usually because of some detail, just some detail.
It's a very dark time for me. I don't know when I'll be better, but I'll fight a lot. I am doing my best.
I have people who love me, and I have to stay right for them.
Actually, I think this terrible pain is just the same as usually. Just the horrible fear to loose them.
I have lot of reasons to be so happy, and I am so happy lot of times.
But it's the pain of a open hurt and because of that maybe, the terrible fear to loose what I love, what is my world, that tortures me. Mixed with that my life now is a total chaos, total chaos that I understand and don't understand at the same time, and fear of the future too.

Sometimes I think maybe my hearts is being stronger, sometimes I think, maybe,the truth is that my heart is being weaker... My mind is also a chaos, my spirit... isn't compatible with the world, and sometimes it's really horrible painful too

I have to be stronger. This pain is so strong, and is making me suffer since long time... and these days it's trying to catch me a lot. I can't allow that. I have to be stronger and stronger.
My pain is not the most important... I have to fight for what is really important.
And I have to know how to fight without making my pain bating me stronger. I have to find the way to win it for true!

I really didn't want to have to write it the blog... but I didn't feel way to throw it out me a little. And to write it here, again made me feel a little free, so I ned to do it, I need to sleep today.
I am super sorry... I am super sorry... I'd prefer to can hide it in me, but I shouldn't. As much I do that, my pain grow too much and I finally exploit. For sure because of that I feel better when I write that. Always it's a relief to know I can talk about that, and that I am not alone. Although maybe this time nobody read that,and the truth is that it would be better.

Well, the batery of PC is almost ended :O
Oh I write so much!! ^^U
But I think I'll can sleep today :)
YEAH!!