Catched

I don't have to much time to write a post now :O I am using my portable PC, The batery will end in not-long time, and I can't use my power point because it's been used by a table lamp (The bulb of my room has gone). The truth is that it's incredible that I can use my portable PC without being connected to power point :O (it doesn't work right, as it's obvious ^^UU)
I tried to don't use it today, but finally I had to use it because my sis is using the another PC, and I ned to much to write that.
This time, to listen to music wasn't enougth, to cry wasn't enought too... I need to throw it out me by other way.

The truth is that although the quarrel with my sister became super worse, and lot of bad things happened, finally it ended so right ^^ And my sister and me have good relationship again! And I am so happy because of that! :D
But....I would say lies if I say I am not crying every nights...Well, last week was horrible, so I understand it more, but... These days... Oh, I shouldn't be like that!! And I try to don't be like that, I always think it's just pain that I don't have to care of, and I try it a lot, but I can't evite that... it pursues me, and it makes me suffer too much, and I can't avoid it although I try... and as much as I try to avoid it, this pain grows so much in me.
So I have to choose other ways, but it's so difficult. This pain begins suddenly, super super deep and painful. As strong as it reminds me at all my horrible pain of the past.
I think it's because deep hurts of the past which still aren't closed, but... I didn't had this pain in this situations some months before... maybe a little, or maybe yes, but not in the same context, not like that.
I had really hard June, and although I had a really really WONDERFUL July, absolutely WONDERFUL, the Agoust was... HORRIBLE, just HORRIBLE, as horrible as it made me trauma or something like that, and I think I am feeling the consecuences of that, mixed with other situations.

I try to be right, and I get that, specially when I am talking with friends or something, and I can be fine and cheerful, and suddenly, being super sad and depressed, with a terrible pain inside me. It usually happens at night, when I am not talking with nobody, I feel the pain of loneliness. I feel so so so alone, as alone as it hurts too much. I live with my family, but my relationship with them is... is not too much good. They have never understood me and my soul, and actually they don't want, when I have pain, they usually get make me much more unhappy, and they make me cry lot of times. They make me feel as unuseful and as horrible, and they are always laughing me. Of course I love them, and I know they love me in their way, but obviously I feel too much alone at home. So when I am so sad, being at home only get to be sader. I don't like to say that, but I really need to go out, to live out here. But I know I can't live alone, because finally, it would be worse, because I would be really really alone anyway.

So these days, I feel so alone and a super deep and strong pain which make me cry a lot and who don't let me sleep, but... I shouldn't feel that!! When I think it finally stoped, it's back again some hours later. The truth is that I don't know when I'll be right, and when I'll be so sad, because it happens suddenly, and usually because of some detail, just some detail.
It's a very dark time for me. I don't know when I'll be better, but I'll fight a lot. I am doing my best.
I have people who love me, and I have to stay right for them.
Actually, I think this terrible pain is just the same as usually. Just the horrible fear to loose them.
I have lot of reasons to be so happy, and I am so happy lot of times.
But it's the pain of a open hurt and because of that maybe, the terrible fear to loose what I love, what is my world, that tortures me. Mixed with that my life now is a total chaos, total chaos that I understand and don't understand at the same time, and fear of the future too.

Sometimes I think maybe my hearts is being stronger, sometimes I think, maybe,the truth is that my heart is being weaker... My mind is also a chaos, my spirit... isn't compatible with the world, and sometimes it's really horrible painful too

I have to be stronger. This pain is so strong, and is making me suffer since long time... and these days it's trying to catch me a lot. I can't allow that. I have to be stronger and stronger.
My pain is not the most important... I have to fight for what is really important.
And I have to know how to fight without making my pain bating me stronger. I have to find the way to win it for true!

I really didn't want to have to write it the blog... but I didn't feel way to throw it out me a little. And to write it here, again made me feel a little free, so I ned to do it, I need to sleep today.
I am super sorry... I am super sorry... I'd prefer to can hide it in me, but I shouldn't. As much I do that, my pain grow too much and I finally exploit. For sure because of that I feel better when I write that. Always it's a relief to know I can talk about that, and that I am not alone. Although maybe this time nobody read that,and the truth is that it would be better.

Well, the batery of PC is almost ended :O
Oh I write so much!! ^^U
But I think I'll can sleep today :)
YEAH!!

Again, so much deep and strong pain

I hate being inspired to write on the blog usually when I am so sad X_X But I guess I need to do it specially when I am sad, because I feel it helps me to relax a little bit, maybe.

I always have though to write about my pains wouldn't help me to give vent out that, but I found out that yes, When I began to write this kind of things in this blog :O

These last days I am really super super sad, I feel super deep and strong sadness, and I don't know the reason exactly. I think I haven't right to be sad, but I can't evite that. I tryed to evite that, and I only got stronger and deeper sadness, as almost always I try to evite this. The truth is that some days before, I was so happy, but suddenly...

The day before yesterday, I couldn't sleep just because of the big pain and tears. I felt I was really really bad, but there weren't nothing I could do. Yesterday, I decided to try to evite it again, but I was so alone almost all the day, and it was very bad for me, specially in that situation.
As almost always when I am so so sad, my family helps me to be sooo much sader, and I have the worst quarrel with my sister in years, I think.
It was horrible, her behaivour to me was really really terrible. Well, she usually has a horrible and illogical behaivour to me, but yesterday it was even worse. She usually is very egoist, unkind, she shouts me too much, etc etc... but yesterday, she was really really CRUEL with me, the truth is that she reminded me a lot, the horrible people who usually beat me at my school in the past. She seemed to be this kind of arrogant, inmature, egoist, and cruel people, who are terrible with each others to feel stronger.
I usually expect from my sister egoist behaivour, shouts, humillation... but it was different, much worse, as bad as I shocked. The "funny" thing is that I tried to speak with calmness and being polite, and she was shouting me, treating me so horrible, everytime, and I told her that I weren't shouting her, and I weren't treating her bad, and she began to shout much more, saying thing like "I SHOUT YOU AS I WANT! FUCK YOU!" and all in this way... everything with a totally arrogant, unkind, shouting, with lot of contempt and rager mixed with being sardonic.

When the situation became TOTALLY unbearable, I decided to stop it because I think I shouldn't deserve that, so I went out the living room, saying that I don't talk with people who are shouting me, being unkind with me, and treating me bad, without reason, and at the same time I was saying that and goin out the room, she continued shouting, being sardonic and cruel, etc... and the last words from me to her and from her to me, were just really strong insults...
And that is not my character, I am sad for that, but my family gets to take out the worst of me.
I usually try a lot to don't fall in the same "game" as them, but I am living with them, and they throw to me their frustration since looooong time before, and they are so cruel with me several times, so finally, it's very difficult for me to get to be always in calm here.

After that, I went to my room, and I wanted to cry SO SO MUCH, but I got to control it.
But at the night, I was much sader, because I felt too much alone, and I couldn't control it more, I began to cry too much. Long time since I didn't cry as intense as that. It reminds me a lot, when I was a teenager, nobody loved me, I only recieved cruel behaivour and I felt too much empty, and unhappy. But I felt I didn't have right to feel like that now. So I didn't understand exactly why I felt like that, but the dark feels were toooooo much deep and stronger. The pain was really unbearable, and only could sleep a little, after being some HOURS crying... I think because of the exhaustion of crying too much.

I know I am not alone at all, but yesterday, the truth is that I hadn't nobody with me in that terrible time, and I wished it too much. The only people who I had around me were my family, and they don't care of it, so...

I think I still have lot of pain, fears, hurts, etc... from my past, and not so far past... and these explode on me sometimes, when my spirit is so much disturbed. I am hyper sensitive too, and it makes me that just one detail can make me feel too much happy, or too much sad, and if just some detail can make me feel bad, lot of bad situations, horrible behaivour with me, long time without comunication, etc, and of course, old and too much deep hurts, make my spirit and mind being super satured of very deep and strong pain.

I don't know how exactly I can do, but I know one of the things is of course, live out my house. I hate to want to live out my home, but the truth and evidence is that I am so unhappy here, since lot of years before, and also that to live with my family is not good for me at all.
About the rest... I have to be much stronger, I think...

I'll try to write a happier post next time, sorry.