New Blogs! :D

HI HIII PEOPLE!! o(^o^)o

I am writting now from school! Of course, I have free time now! Haha! :)

I haven't written here for loooong time... I think I wrote my last post in... november?? OH MY GOD!! XD

Well, I haven't written here, but... I was writting in another two new blogs I have! (Since short time ago... more than two weeks ago ^^)
One of them is in Spanish :) and the another one is in Japanese!! Haha!
These two blogs are totally different of this blog has been. In the Spanish one, I talk about everything, but specially about Japanese culture, travel, videogames, peculiar things, and about me a little bit too. And in the Japanese blog, I talk about foreign culture and about me a little bit, for Japanese people to know foreign culture from a real foreigner :) So, the same as the Spanish blog, but just the opposite! Haha! :D
Well, it's just I want to do with that blog too ^^ I plan to talk about really interesting, constructive and funny things as in my others blogs, so I think this blog will be changed, specially on the contents :)

Of course, I will use a lot these blogs too, to comunicate and to talk about peculiar things when I am in Japan again, but also I plan to write post usually :) and to loof after them XD

The adrees of my Spanish blog is http://elmundodelaramie.blogspot.com
And the adrees of my Japanese blog is http://ameblo.jp/gaijin-universe

Well, there are people who read this blog who know Spanish, but I don't think they can't understand Japanese XD Anyway... I wanted to show it too! ^o^

Maybe it take a time (I hope it won't) but I can say this blog will change for better :)
I'll do my best! o(^o^)o

Now I have to go to class, but I'll write here soon! :)

Byebyeeee! ^o^ And thanks to people who read this!!

o=(^o^)=o HUUUUG!! :D

:)

HI HIIII!! o(^o^)o

I have the Japanese exam this weekend!! I am excitiiing!! ^o^

I hope I'll do t right!! I think I can, although when you have the exam in front of you, it can be a little bit different XD

I'll stay in Madrid for almost 3 days :)

By the way, I though I have done really bad my exams from school. Because I felt really bad and I couldn't study enougth. But finally it seems that I did it much better than I though!! O_O So I am very much motivated!! Next time, I hope I'll be healthy and that I will can do it muuuuuuch better! :)

Well, now I am sick too... ToT I have gone to see the doctor, and he has said I have a virus :S Well, I have this virus since more than one week ago, and I was going to the school, going out with friends, etc... as usual o.o I felt really tired, weak, and I had headache, pain on stomach, strong alergy, etc... so I began to think I have a virus or something, but I could go out. And now, the doctor has said to me what medicines I have to take, so I thing I'll be better for the exam!! And I hope so!! :O

By the way, last week was my birthday :) But the celebration with friends was just a disasteeeer! X_X last years the celebration was wonderful!! But this year, it was a disaster o.oU we was 21 people, (We really was 27 people, but 3 people was sick, 1 person felt bad because of the last night's drinks, and 2 people was busy, so these 6 people couln't came :O) And anybody can think "well,the problem was that you were too much people!!" but no. Actually, every year there are many people in my birthday's party. Sometimes it's a little bit chaos, but great! This year it was totally diferent... o.oUU Lot of things that happened was bad lucky, some people's behaivour weren't so right, and some people felt bad and they wanted to go. Actually, one person went to his home, angry. It was a big disaster for various hours >.< but finally most of people enjoyed it a lot!! So I felt good because of that ^^

Well, this week it also was the birthday of my boyfriend!! :) He told me that he enjoyed it TOO MUCH, so I am super super happy for that! :D

I sent some presents for him ^^ but it still didn't arrive!! I also recieve a present from him, he was super KIND!! *o*

And my friends too! Haha!! ^o^ Some of they gave me really cool presents!! Although the best present of all, was that they came to my party!! :)

I have a nice feeling these days ^^ It's because I feel the Chrismash in the air :)
Some people hate this because they think Chrismash are superficial and consumist, but I LOVE the lights in the streets, the beautyful colours, figures and pics from Chrismash, the Chrismash sweets! Ahaha!! =^o^= I think it's very special and magic, I can feel that!! :)
And I don't recieve presents in Chrismash, but I LOVE it anyway! :)

Well, it's true there are too much consumism in Chrismash, but people are consumist everytime, also in summer, Spring, etc... And yes, people spend much more money in Chrismash, but this time it's not for them self, it's just for present for friends and family, and for delicious meal and dinner with friends and family too. They spend much money than the rest of year (usually) but most of them for each others. And also I think is wonderful to give presents to each others. Lot of people critizise it too, but, do they think it's materialist, or consumist to spend money for birthdays, in presents or meal?? so, why do not do that in Chrismash too?? Anyway, it's not obligatory!! As I said, I don't recieve presents in Chrismash!! And anyway, most of people don't give present to each others usually, so it's a good reason to do it too!

One thing that I really hate of this time is (well, more than one, but XD) that in Chrismash in the TV there are many programs to help poor people, and to give money, etc... and there are a general feel about caring each others. Well, it would have to be a good thing, right? the thing I hate, is that this general feel is only in Chrismash!! Why some people are solidary only in Chrismash?? This feel is foverer!! :O

Well, by the way :) I am crating a Spanish blog too!!
At first I didn't think I would do that, but finally I am doing it XDD
For Spanish people it would be better to understand it. And I want to write lot of things about Japan and other cultures etc... In Spain although lot of Spanish love Japan now, the true is that most of them don't know about Japan as they think, missunderstand most of things, etc,etc... so I want Spanish to read it too if it's possible o.o but OF COURSE I'll keep this English blog too!! o(^o^)o

When I have my Spanish blog finished, I'll show the URL here!! :)

THANK YOU FOR READING THAAAT!! o=(^o^)=o

Well, it's time to write again here!!! ^^

I know, my blog seems abandoned... my intention was to write here usually, but I was really busy in summer, and I am really busy now too!

I wanted to write something, and something that I think is very important (For me, it is XD) since some weeks ago, but I didn't have enought time, and when I had, I forgot to do that, because I also had lot of other things to do, and other "abandoned" sites to pay attention. And well, I didn't have too much energy to write about me last weeks too, it's true.

Today (well, now yesterday :P) in English class, the teacher asked me about that, so it reminded me about I would have had wrotten a new topic since lot of time ago!! o.oUUUU

I didn't think I would write it today, but... I can't sleep now, as usually, and also, I feel I want to say what I'll say since many days ago, so I decided to do it now ^^

I haven't wrotten since summer. My summer was really great!!! :D (Except some concrete problems) I traveled to Barcelona, to Granada, and to La Rioja, I spent loooooot of time with friends!! ^^ I took TOO MUCH photos (TOO MUCH, believe me! XD And I ate many sweets *o* and super delicious food! :D I really enjoyed it with my friends! :)

It really was a great summer, AAAH! it's GREAT to can write positive and great things here!!

When I made my blog, I was in a horrible time, sorry!!! ^^UUU

Well, now I am working and sutdying at the same time :) Finally I am trying to finish the the studies at High School! o(^o^)o

I couldn't finish that in the past, and I always knew someday I would finish that, but I had to wait long time. I felt it was the time to finish it finally,so here I went!! :D
This time is toooootally different to the rest of the time I spent in schools.

I have friends since the begining, I feel very right with my classmates, I enjoy learning!! TOTALLY DIFFERENT TO THE PAST!!

And it's GREAT!! I am super happy because of that!! :D

the bad thing... is that I can't deny I have so strange and negative feels deep inside me because of going to the school. I can't avoid feeling bad and strange, I knew it would be like that, but I didn't think it would be as strong as it is. And I feel so nervous too.
I don't have reasons at all for that, and I know, but I think it's because of a mix of I am not madefor studying in a school with that metod, and with lot of people, and also aaaaaaall my horrible experiences in schools during most part of my life, so... To tell th truth, the first day I went there, I felt to much as I wanted to stop to go. But of course I didn't do that, and I won't. I know it's hard and it will be, but I believe this feels can disappear (Or maybe part of this feels,but big part I think) if my mind begins to recieve memories of there of affection and motivation^^ . And although it doesn't dissapear at all, I won't give up. I want to do that, and I'll do my best. And to have friends there is helping me SO much!! ^^

Well, to return to the school was very very hard for me, and it is still hard, but I think now it's not as harder as in the begining ^^ Anyway, maybe to return to the school was so much harder because before the school began, I had a terrible time, and it was a mix of troubles ^^U

And this is what I want to talk about

When I made this blog,lot of months ago, my intention was to use it to talk about my life in Japan, and ironicaly,when I finally went to Japan, I almost can't use internet, so I couldn't write posts in my blog until I was back in Spain!! ^^UUU

But before going to Japan, I was using my blog, writing very sad topics most of the time. I did it wrong, really wrong.
I didn't want to write sad things at all, but I didn't talk about the things which hurt me so deep at that time, because I didn't want to disturb with my problems, but I felt I really really REALLY ned to show it in some way, so I used the blog ( at the begining I though almost nobody read it)
I was really stupid :S but I took LOOOONG time to discover my mistake, or better to say, mistakes.

I tried to complace each others, well, I love it, but I usually don't know where is the limit, and because of fear of being egoist,I have humiliated myself so much, even I have sacrificed my own happiness for some each other happines, becoming super depressed, and thinking I'd live in this darkness the rest of my life, and feeling my self guilty of all the situation,and I began to hate me a lot.

I had to be angry with some people and I didn't, and I was living day by day keeping too much pain inside me, and trying to hide it. When I went to Japan and I suddenly saw the things from a different angle,and also because of some experience I had after that, part of the pain became in rage, I also tried to hide it to protect each others, and as the pain, all of this was destroying me inside.

I said nothing because of my fear of two things; disturb/hurt each others, and a possible lack of understanding about my situation.

To try make each other happy, I was destroying myself, I almost forgot when someone is not good with his/her self,is much more difficult to bring the best of you to each other and make them feel right, and also another thing; sometimes people who love you can make you cry. And also, everybody have good and bad things, and when you love people, you love them as they are, yes, but when you are trying to do your best with people and they are making you cry too much times, and you are becoming super unhappy, as depressed as you become sick, you really have to think what is happening....

It's the past, but I am still living some consecuences of this; and it's being very difficult for me to overcome the things wich happened many months ago.
But I am really tired of all this darkness, all this fear and all this pain.
And I think I have matured because of what I lived.

So I have to be stronger, with everything, and I'll keep doing my best ^^

Lot of bad things happened, but also many good things!! ^^

In this last months, I have friends who helped me too much, much more that they guess.

I'll be myself again, for each other and for me :) and I won't hide inside me all the pain, I'll share it with people who care me, as I want each other to share it with me! And also, I'll appreciate me as I should :)

I have done lot of mistakes, and it's time to begin to do it right again, but this time, better than last time! ^^

And I want to say something more that i really feel i wanna say; I have a boyfriend, and he is my Japanese best friend ^^ to tell the truth, I had another boyfriend in the past,just many months ago and for almost 6 months. I have talked about my bad experiences in the far last months, although I didn't say what were these about. There are various different things, and to tell the truth I don't want to talk about that things. I have talked it with my friends, it's private, and I don't feel I want to talk about that, I don't want to remember these again.
But I mentioned my ex bf, and I won't deny it has relationship with some of that things.
I am super happy with my actual bf ^^ I can't deny I am really afraid because of my experiences of the past with bf... but I try to be positive, and until now, I am super super happy!!! ^^ As happy as I have done this new totally official everywhere :) To my family too!!! (FIRST TIME!! O_O)

By the way, I have a Japanese lenguage exam in Madrid in December :)
I'll go with another friend,and I am so excited!! *o* Ahaha!! I'll do my best!! :D

I am learning many kanjis these days :) I REALLY LOVE KANJIS! *o* In the past I though to study Kanjis is so hard, although I liked kanjis at that time too, and now I think it's easier than I though, and also I like it even more than before!! :D

(Kanjis are one of the three "alphabets" of the Japanese language, the most difficult way to write in Japanese ^^ a little bit difficult but BEAUTIFUL!! :D)

がんばるよーーーーー！！！ o(^o^)v

Well,I'd like to write much more about some of the topics of this post, specially, about the last topics ^^ but I wrote too much yet, and I have begun sleepy ^^U I think now I can sleep!! :D So I am going to sleep!! ^o^

I am sorry formy loooooooooooooong post!! XD I hope it's not boring!! ^^

Good Niiiight!! :D　お休みーーー！！すばらしゆめを！！o=(^o^)=o

New light

Hiiii ^^

I am back from Japan!!

Yes, the funny thing is that I almost couldn't use the PC in Japan, so finally, I couldn't write about my life there!!! o.oUU

I created this blog for that, and finally it was unuseful!! ^^U

But anyway, I am going to write about it now, and actually this post is extremely important for me ^^

Lot of things happened in Japan, and my perspective is very different now. Not only about Japan, also about my self. I learnt a lot there, and I really need to write about all of this now.

And this time, I won't write a negative post at all. I'll write bad things too, but it will be a very positive post!

Well, to tell the truth, I though I would find in Japan much more negative things about Japanese society than I found. Actually, I was really surprised about lot of good things I discover about it, and about how many things I learnt of Japanese culture and environment.

It's totally different as you can imagine, although you read a lot about it, it's nothing compared with live there.
I have some friends there who have teached me a lot about the culture too, and I love that ^^

Every cultures have their own bad and good things, but I miss a lot the calm, patience, kidness, and sweet environment of the Japanese Society in general.

When I go there for more time and in different conditions, it will be different, I know, but anyway my impression now is awesome and surprised ^^

And now I understand them MUUUUUUUUUCH MORE.
I have a new perspective about lot of things in the life.

And I am really surprised with most of my friends of there. They cared of me totally, EXTREMELY, and I felt there super loved and safe.

I had terrible moments too there. I became as sick as I had to go to the hospital, I had several problems with my credit card wich was broken, and lot of times I couldn't pay almost nothing. Somedays I couldn't eat because of that and several days I didn't have idea of what would happen the next day, how I would take the metro, how I would eat, etc... I did my best to resolve it, and my parents too (From Spain), but everything was unuseful again and again. I's a loooooooooooong story. My friends helped me totally with that. If they weren't there, I don't know how I could been survived there.
Sometimes I didn't ask for help at all, and I tried to show everything was right, because I felt really bad for my friends who everytime tried to help me.
But they persisted as much as finally it finished right.

I also had terrible problems with a friend of there, various days. It was really horrible, and a looong story too. And it was mixed with my other problems everything at the same time. It was horrible, and I cried a lot, and somedays I couldn't sleep at all.

The problems with money and with friend, are super loooong and also as horrible as I don't want to remember it now.
For first time in my life, I was as bad and desperate, as I began to cry in the street, in front of everybody, totally alone, and without can't stop and control that. Sometimes I really didn't know how I would live the next day, and I was super near of have to sleep in the street. I also had problems qith some people who couldn't understand my situation at first, and treated me as guilty, although I tried to do my best to don't show my problems there, and to tried to enjoy with each others as much as possible.
Somedays I was desperate of hungry too.

Everything is very very long

But anyway... my good experiences there, were much stronger than the bad experiences ^^

And to tell the truth, I have leart A LOT about my bad experiences too, about my life, about people, about travel, about my own self :)

Long time before going there, I had the feel about some problems like that would happen. It's strange, but I knew it perfectly. Actually, it was one of the reasons I was too much nervous to go.

Actually, I think that I felt that the problems would be worse than there were.
And there weren't so worse thanks to my lovely friends ^^

To tell the truth, also when I was crying alone in a place, I didn't feel alone. I knew I could call some friend and that friend would help me inmediatly, but I didn't do that because I felt super bad of how much various of them were helping me as fast as they know I had problems.

And they gave me really wonderful and unforgettable precious moments ^^

To tell the truth, there I began to feel happiness again.

Before going to Japan, I knew that I was super super bad, obviously, but in Japan I discovered how much bad I really was from Spain.

Actually, my heart pain, fear and rage was dissapearing day by day since I arrived in Japan, and finally I could smile and laugh from heart, and I felt that a possitive energy, calm and happiness, began to invade me again. And that I began to be my self again ^^

Although almost everybody (Confidence people) know how bad and depressed I was the last month, to tell the truth is that nobody know how really bad I was and how down I really fell.
As bad as I became super sick for various months, eating very very little, stopping working, stoping living... I became super thin in very short time, as fast and much, than people who saw me was shocked.
As bad as I began to cry several times spontaneously, and I didn't feel motivation for doing nothing, also for my own hobbies. Although I tried desperating to do lot of things to can forget my pain, but it wasn't enought.
I have felt terrible alone this last months. Terrible alone, depressed... I had no life
Everybody said to me that my illness would be for sure from my mind.

I knew it perfectly.

I knew I was super bad, much more bad than people know, but I didn't want each others to know how really bad I was, and I also didn't want to admit that I wasn't living my own life and how much I was suffering.

In Japan, I exploited. And I saw clearer than ever my situation.
Actually, I didn't want to be back in Spain.

I began to feel super free, in clam, and with the control of my life again.
I began to feel things I have almost forgotten I can feel.

And I opened my eyes more than ever.
I didn't want to admit lot of things because I tried to protect each others, and to make each others feel right, although it made me suffer several times.

I accumulated lot of pain and also rage, because of several times I felt super hurt and I didn't became angry to don't disturb, when i really ned to be anrgy.

I had given my life to each others for their own happiness, without caring of me, and it was totally destroying me.
I think to do that is wonderfull, and I want to do it always, but without destroying me.
Anyway, it would finally exploit much stronger and harder.

I fell as I began to hate me again, and to have lot of stupid complex, and to feel as a stupid doll. And I felt also super guilty of everything.

I could see how much tired I am of all of that.
In Japan I began to feel alive again, and I began to feel I am someone and I have rights too.
And as strong as I began to feel free and happy again, I began to feel in my heart that I wanted to throw out all my pain, to explain it, and to keep it away finally.

I began to see the world with other eyes again. And the pain is not strangling me everytime. I see much higher, clear, and with much more energy.

I also mistaked a lot in Japan, but I have learnt a lot. And I am so much mature and stronger, I think, although I still have to fight a lot, and I have to do my best to be a very much better person... it's only the beginning

Somethings will change a little too from now, and I am afraid of it too, and it also hurts me, but I have to be as strong as possible, and do what I think I have to do.

I feel it's the begining again.

Please, forgive me everybody for everytimes I disturbed, I never wanted to do that.
And forgive me for disturbing you in the future, I'll do my best everytime ^^ But I know sometimes it won't be enought.

Oh, for me it's so wonderful to can enjoy the shine of the sun, the wind in my face, the smiles of each others, the purr of my cat, the beautyful nature, the sweet words of friends... To feel I want to believe in each others again, and that the fear is becoming weaker ^^
And I can eat lot of sweets this days as in the past!! WOW!! SUPER STRANGE FOR ME!! But it's WONDERFUL! *o* I am still sick, but it's not as stronger as inthe past AT ALL.

I feel I have a life again. I have to fight a lot, and I'll do my best...

Thanks from heart for all the people who give me love, real love. It's because of that, that I can smile and my eyes can shine ^^

It's because of that, that I can try to fly again.

And I'll always do my best for you all too.

I'll do it as better as I can. I'll do my best!!!

And forgive me, please.

:)

Hi again ^^ ただいまーーーー！

After various months, I am back again! ^^

The real reason of writting again, is my travel to Japan, because the truth is I am not motivated at all to write here again, and actually, I think finally to create a blog wasn't a good idea.

I was right with the feeling that to have a blog is not a thing for me.
Actually, it seems as to create it only gave me problems since the day I did that
It was unuseful, and it also has given me many problems...

I think probably I'll close it when I am back from Japan.
Anyway, almost nobody read it too, in the past almost nobody, now, maybe nobody, so... ^^U

And it seems as I won't have good time again to can write happy things here, so it hasn't sense at all.
I feel this pain never ends, and I really have a great trauma of what happened last months.
And it doesn't seems it will end at all...

There was a time when I though people could love me only for who I am.
But people only love my happiness, possitive energy, and love I bring them, and how I kiss their ass many times.
When I don't show happiness, smiles, and I don't kiss their ass, there is a problem, because I hasn't the behaivour each others want me to have with them, and somepeople leave me.

They miss the happiness I give them, not me.

In the past I knew if I was sad I would be alone, because it didn't matter for nobody, so I always tried to show me as happy.

Someday lot of things changed, and I became to think people really could love my soul.
I am begining to think as in the past again.

Now, again, I don't expect nothing from nobody.
If they want to give me a good surprise, awesome!
And I'll can apreciatte it even more, as it deserves.

I'll stop wishing to much what I feel.
I'll stop to think of me again. It was a failure. And it only hurts me.

I won't stop to bring my love and smiles to each others.
I hope I'll do it right... ^^ I'll do my best.

But I won't hate myself, I'll defeat me a little bit too. Because I shouldn't destroy my self.
I could learn something of all of that.

So, although I guess already nobody read it, if someone read it and want to leave me, do that!
You will show me who I am for you.
And I have right as everybody, of feeling pain and want to throw it out, before it destroy me.
And I almost only do that in a stupid blog who nobody or almost nobody read, so I think it isn't so heavy to endure, right?

Well, anyway, I don't want to write bad things, although it seems the opposite ^^U it seems the opposite just because it became the only way to can throw out a little my pain. And I created it in a very bad time. That's the reason ^^U

Sooooo as I said, I think I'll close it when I am back to Japan, but I still think of it.

Anyway. I go to Japan the day after tomorrow, so, from now, I'll only write here things about travel from there. (And yes, I AM SUPER ULTRA MEGA TOO MUCH NERVOUS!! XD ^^)

Byebyeeeeee !^^ Have super great tiiime!!!

じゃあねーーーーー！！！

Sorry for don't write... ^^UU

Well, Lot of things, TOO MUCH things happened since the last post I wrote.

I would tell loooot of news, really important in my life, in the good sense, and also in the bad sense.

But I also promised I would never write sad things again, because the last time I did that, something really horrible happened because of that. Well, probably it wasn't really because of that, and anyway, what happened hasn't sense AT ALL.
But anyway I promised I won't do that, so I don't write again sad things here and also in my MSN nick.

The truth is that I am disturbed for that, because I really ned to write also sad things there. It was one of the few things wich can make me feel a little alleviate.
But a promise is a promise.

I finally went to the manga's event of barcelona, and it was WONDERFUL,WON-DER-FUL. And I also went to Manga's event from here. And a Japanese friend came to my place to visit me.
Awesome.

But i can't tell more about that.
The truth is that I write it to say I won't write post in a while, and to explain why.

Well, as I promise, I won't write sad things again. Just because of that, I can't write now and in a while too.
Now I am still in a horrible time, and it seemed as I became much better again!! but suddenly... again fell, and SOOO deep. I see it won't be easy at all, and everytime I try to fly, somethings happens and I fall again and again.
And now I am really really really really REALLY bad...
Soooo for me,now it's not possible to write about good things I would talk about, some of that good things also remind me a little what is hurting me, and also, i can't write about happy things now.
Actually, I don't have idea when i will can.

From now, I won't write NOTHING SAD at all, so I won't write a post until I can write happy post, and I don't have idea when it will be.
NO IDEA at all, maybe sooner as I think, maybe I take a time (The most probably)
But FOR SURE I will write post when I am in Japan. Because of that I created that blog anyway.

So, I wanted to explain (only a little, yes, I know) Why I didn't write post last weeks and why I won't write post maybe in a while.

Thanks so much for reading that if there is really a person who read it.

LOOOT OF KISSES!!

Darkest hope

Sometimes I think I'll can't endure it... T_____________T

I feel so stupid and weak. And totally different to the rest of the world.
Sometimes I think the pain will make me become totally crazy.

I can't endure that and there aren't solution at all

And as much as I try to became stronger, it seems the pain become much and much worse and my heart more hurt.

Why had I born so stupid and weird??

I don't know what to do... My life now is chaos, a chaos wich hurt me too much everytime.

And there aren't nobody who can understand my pain.

Why all of that is happening?

Will I find the answer someday?....

I want to sleep and dream. I want to escape of this.

I can't endure it more

But I can't do nothing

And nobody can help me

Maybe my destiny is to suffer, but it's so hard to try to assimilate it...

Sometimes I think my pain will kill me

Please, God, give me new energy to can endure it, please, don't let me drown in my own tears

がんばって見てる。。。いつもがんばって見てる

きっとだめじゃないよね。。。でもたぶんそれを思いたいけど、だめだ。。。

ゆめ見たい。。。ずっとゆめ見たい