Well, it's time to write again here!!! ^^

I know, my blog seems abandoned... my intention was to write here usually, but I was really busy in summer, and I am really busy now too!

I wanted to write something, and something that I think is very important (For me, it is XD) since some weeks ago, but I didn't have enought time, and when I had, I forgot to do that, because I also had lot of other things to do, and other "abandoned" sites to pay attention. And well, I didn't have too much energy to write about me last weeks too, it's true.

Today (well, now yesterday :P) in English class, the teacher asked me about that, so it reminded me about I would have had wrotten a new topic since lot of time ago!! o.oUUUU

I didn't think I would write it today, but... I can't sleep now, as usually, and also, I feel I want to say what I'll say since many days ago, so I decided to do it now ^^

I haven't wrotten since summer. My summer was really great!!! :D (Except some concrete problems) I traveled to Barcelona, to Granada, and to La Rioja, I spent loooooot of time with friends!! ^^ I took TOO MUCH photos (TOO MUCH, believe me! XD And I ate many sweets *o* and super delicious food! :D I really enjoyed it with my friends! :)

It really was a great summer, AAAH! it's GREAT to can write positive and great things here!!

When I made my blog, I was in a horrible time, sorry!!! ^^UUU

Well, now I am working and sutdying at the same time :) Finally I am trying to finish the the studies at High School! o(^o^)o

I couldn't finish that in the past, and I always knew someday I would finish that, but I had to wait long time. I felt it was the time to finish it finally,so here I went!! :D
This time is toooootally different to the rest of the time I spent in schools.

I have friends since the begining, I feel very right with my classmates, I enjoy learning!! TOTALLY DIFFERENT TO THE PAST!!

And it's GREAT!! I am super happy because of that!! :D

the bad thing... is that I can't deny I have so strange and negative feels deep inside me because of going to the school. I can't avoid feeling bad and strange, I knew it would be like that, but I didn't think it would be as strong as it is. And I feel so nervous too.
I don't have reasons at all for that, and I know, but I think it's because of a mix of I am not madefor studying in a school with that metod, and with lot of people, and also aaaaaaall my horrible experiences in schools during most part of my life, so... To tell th truth, the first day I went there, I felt to much as I wanted to stop to go. But of course I didn't do that, and I won't. I know it's hard and it will be, but I believe this feels can disappear (Or maybe part of this feels,but big part I think) if my mind begins to recieve memories of there of affection and motivation^^ . And although it doesn't dissapear at all, I won't give up. I want to do that, and I'll do my best. And to have friends there is helping me SO much!! ^^

Well, to return to the school was very very hard for me, and it is still hard, but I think now it's not as harder as in the begining ^^ Anyway, maybe to return to the school was so much harder because before the school began, I had a terrible time, and it was a mix of troubles ^^U

And this is what I want to talk about

When I made this blog,lot of months ago, my intention was to use it to talk about my life in Japan, and ironicaly,when I finally went to Japan, I almost can't use internet, so I couldn't write posts in my blog until I was back in Spain!! ^^UUU

But before going to Japan, I was using my blog, writing very sad topics most of the time. I did it wrong, really wrong.
I didn't want to write sad things at all, but I didn't talk about the things which hurt me so deep at that time, because I didn't want to disturb with my problems, but I felt I really really REALLY ned to show it in some way, so I used the blog ( at the begining I though almost nobody read it)
I was really stupid :S but I took LOOOONG time to discover my mistake, or better to say, mistakes.

I tried to complace each others, well, I love it, but I usually don't know where is the limit, and because of fear of being egoist,I have humiliated myself so much, even I have sacrificed my own happiness for some each other happines, becoming super depressed, and thinking I'd live in this darkness the rest of my life, and feeling my self guilty of all the situation,and I began to hate me a lot.

I had to be angry with some people and I didn't, and I was living day by day keeping too much pain inside me, and trying to hide it. When I went to Japan and I suddenly saw the things from a different angle,and also because of some experience I had after that, part of the pain became in rage, I also tried to hide it to protect each others, and as the pain, all of this was destroying me inside.

I said nothing because of my fear of two things; disturb/hurt each others, and a possible lack of understanding about my situation.

To try make each other happy, I was destroying myself, I almost forgot when someone is not good with his/her self,is much more difficult to bring the best of you to each other and make them feel right, and also another thing; sometimes people who love you can make you cry. And also, everybody have good and bad things, and when you love people, you love them as they are, yes, but when you are trying to do your best with people and they are making you cry too much times, and you are becoming super unhappy, as depressed as you become sick, you really have to think what is happening....

It's the past, but I am still living some consecuences of this; and it's being very difficult for me to overcome the things wich happened many months ago.
But I am really tired of all this darkness, all this fear and all this pain.
And I think I have matured because of what I lived.

So I have to be stronger, with everything, and I'll keep doing my best ^^

Lot of bad things happened, but also many good things!! ^^

In this last months, I have friends who helped me too much, much more that they guess.

I'll be myself again, for each other and for me :) and I won't hide inside me all the pain, I'll share it with people who care me, as I want each other to share it with me! And also, I'll appreciate me as I should :)

I have done lot of mistakes, and it's time to begin to do it right again, but this time, better than last time! ^^

And I want to say something more that i really feel i wanna say; I have a boyfriend, and he is my Japanese best friend ^^ to tell the truth, I had another boyfriend in the past,just many months ago and for almost 6 months. I have talked about my bad experiences in the far last months, although I didn't say what were these about. There are various different things, and to tell the truth I don't want to talk about that things. I have talked it with my friends, it's private, and I don't feel I want to talk about that, I don't want to remember these again.
But I mentioned my ex bf, and I won't deny it has relationship with some of that things.
I am super happy with my actual bf ^^ I can't deny I am really afraid because of my experiences of the past with bf... but I try to be positive, and until now, I am super super happy!!! ^^ As happy as I have done this new totally official everywhere :) To my family too!!! (FIRST TIME!! O_O)

By the way, I have a Japanese lenguage exam in Madrid in December :)
I'll go with another friend,and I am so excited!! *o* Ahaha!! I'll do my best!! :D

I am learning many kanjis these days :) I REALLY LOVE KANJIS! *o* In the past I though to study Kanjis is so hard, although I liked kanjis at that time too, and now I think it's easier than I though, and also I like it even more than before!! :D

(Kanjis are one of the three "alphabets" of the Japanese language, the most difficult way to write in Japanese ^^ a little bit difficult but BEAUTIFUL!! :D)

がんばるよーーーーー！！！ o(^o^)v

Well,I'd like to write much more about some of the topics of this post, specially, about the last topics ^^ but I wrote too much yet, and I have begun sleepy ^^U I think now I can sleep!! :D So I am going to sleep!! ^o^

I am sorry formy loooooooooooooong post!! XD I hope it's not boring!! ^^

Good Niiiight!! :D　お休みーーー！！すばらしゆめを！！o=(^o^)=o