New light

Hiiii ^^

I am back from Japan!!

Yes, the funny thing is that I almost couldn't use the PC in Japan, so finally, I couldn't write about my life there!!! o.oUU

I created this blog for that, and finally it was unuseful!! ^^U

But anyway, I am going to write about it now, and actually this post is extremely important for me ^^

Lot of things happened in Japan, and my perspective is very different now. Not only about Japan, also about my self. I learnt a lot there, and I really need to write about all of this now.

And this time, I won't write a negative post at all. I'll write bad things too, but it will be a very positive post!

Well, to tell the truth, I though I would find in Japan much more negative things about Japanese society than I found. Actually, I was really surprised about lot of good things I discover about it, and about how many things I learnt of Japanese culture and environment.

It's totally different as you can imagine, although you read a lot about it, it's nothing compared with live there.
I have some friends there who have teached me a lot about the culture too, and I love that ^^

Every cultures have their own bad and good things, but I miss a lot the calm, patience, kidness, and sweet environment of the Japanese Society in general.

When I go there for more time and in different conditions, it will be different, I know, but anyway my impression now is awesome and surprised ^^

And now I understand them MUUUUUUUUUCH MORE.
I have a new perspective about lot of things in the life.

And I am really surprised with most of my friends of there. They cared of me totally, EXTREMELY, and I felt there super loved and safe.

I had terrible moments too there. I became as sick as I had to go to the hospital, I had several problems with my credit card wich was broken, and lot of times I couldn't pay almost nothing. Somedays I couldn't eat because of that and several days I didn't have idea of what would happen the next day, how I would take the metro, how I would eat, etc... I did my best to resolve it, and my parents too (From Spain), but everything was unuseful again and again. I's a loooooooooooong story. My friends helped me totally with that. If they weren't there, I don't know how I could been survived there.
Sometimes I didn't ask for help at all, and I tried to show everything was right, because I felt really bad for my friends who everytime tried to help me.
But they persisted as much as finally it finished right.

I also had terrible problems with a friend of there, various days. It was really horrible, and a looong story too. And it was mixed with my other problems everything at the same time. It was horrible, and I cried a lot, and somedays I couldn't sleep at all.

The problems with money and with friend, are super loooong and also as horrible as I don't want to remember it now.
For first time in my life, I was as bad and desperate, as I began to cry in the street, in front of everybody, totally alone, and without can't stop and control that. Sometimes I really didn't know how I would live the next day, and I was super near of have to sleep in the street. I also had problems qith some people who couldn't understand my situation at first, and treated me as guilty, although I tried to do my best to don't show my problems there, and to tried to enjoy with each others as much as possible.
Somedays I was desperate of hungry too.

Everything is very very long

But anyway... my good experiences there, were much stronger than the bad experiences ^^

And to tell the truth, I have leart A LOT about my bad experiences too, about my life, about people, about travel, about my own self :)

Long time before going there, I had the feel about some problems like that would happen. It's strange, but I knew it perfectly. Actually, it was one of the reasons I was too much nervous to go.

Actually, I think that I felt that the problems would be worse than there were.
And there weren't so worse thanks to my lovely friends ^^

To tell the truth, also when I was crying alone in a place, I didn't feel alone. I knew I could call some friend and that friend would help me inmediatly, but I didn't do that because I felt super bad of how much various of them were helping me as fast as they know I had problems.

And they gave me really wonderful and unforgettable precious moments ^^

To tell the truth, there I began to feel happiness again.

Before going to Japan, I knew that I was super super bad, obviously, but in Japan I discovered how much bad I really was from Spain.

Actually, my heart pain, fear and rage was dissapearing day by day since I arrived in Japan, and finally I could smile and laugh from heart, and I felt that a possitive energy, calm and happiness, began to invade me again. And that I began to be my self again ^^

Although almost everybody (Confidence people) know how bad and depressed I was the last month, to tell the truth is that nobody know how really bad I was and how down I really fell.
As bad as I became super sick for various months, eating very very little, stopping working, stoping living... I became super thin in very short time, as fast and much, than people who saw me was shocked.
As bad as I began to cry several times spontaneously, and I didn't feel motivation for doing nothing, also for my own hobbies. Although I tried desperating to do lot of things to can forget my pain, but it wasn't enought.
I have felt terrible alone this last months. Terrible alone, depressed... I had no life
Everybody said to me that my illness would be for sure from my mind.

I knew it perfectly.

I knew I was super bad, much more bad than people know, but I didn't want each others to know how really bad I was, and I also didn't want to admit that I wasn't living my own life and how much I was suffering.

In Japan, I exploited. And I saw clearer than ever my situation.
Actually, I didn't want to be back in Spain.

I began to feel super free, in clam, and with the control of my life again.
I began to feel things I have almost forgotten I can feel.

And I opened my eyes more than ever.
I didn't want to admit lot of things because I tried to protect each others, and to make each others feel right, although it made me suffer several times.

I accumulated lot of pain and also rage, because of several times I felt super hurt and I didn't became angry to don't disturb, when i really ned to be anrgy.

I had given my life to each others for their own happiness, without caring of me, and it was totally destroying me.
I think to do that is wonderfull, and I want to do it always, but without destroying me.
Anyway, it would finally exploit much stronger and harder.

I fell as I began to hate me again, and to have lot of stupid complex, and to feel as a stupid doll. And I felt also super guilty of everything.

I could see how much tired I am of all of that.
In Japan I began to feel alive again, and I began to feel I am someone and I have rights too.
And as strong as I began to feel free and happy again, I began to feel in my heart that I wanted to throw out all my pain, to explain it, and to keep it away finally.

I began to see the world with other eyes again. And the pain is not strangling me everytime. I see much higher, clear, and with much more energy.

I also mistaked a lot in Japan, but I have learnt a lot. And I am so much mature and stronger, I think, although I still have to fight a lot, and I have to do my best to be a very much better person... it's only the beginning

Somethings will change a little too from now, and I am afraid of it too, and it also hurts me, but I have to be as strong as possible, and do what I think I have to do.

I feel it's the begining again.

Please, forgive me everybody for everytimes I disturbed, I never wanted to do that.
And forgive me for disturbing you in the future, I'll do my best everytime ^^ But I know sometimes it won't be enought.

Oh, for me it's so wonderful to can enjoy the shine of the sun, the wind in my face, the smiles of each others, the purr of my cat, the beautyful nature, the sweet words of friends... To feel I want to believe in each others again, and that the fear is becoming weaker ^^
And I can eat lot of sweets this days as in the past!! WOW!! SUPER STRANGE FOR ME!! But it's WONDERFUL! *o* I am still sick, but it's not as stronger as inthe past AT ALL.

I feel I have a life again. I have to fight a lot, and I'll do my best...

Thanks from heart for all the people who give me love, real love. It's because of that, that I can smile and my eyes can shine ^^

It's because of that, that I can try to fly again.

And I'll always do my best for you all too.

I'll do it as better as I can. I'll do my best!!!

And forgive me, please.

:)